Not interested

I realized earlier today that I wasn’t interested or engaged in living life to its fullest. I’m finding myself struggling with showing any interest in anything other then business. I am sticking firm to my marathon training program but it’s as if everything I’ve been doing somehow moved into autopilot mode. Even when I’m at home on the weekends and I sit back and have a drink, my mind is somewhere else. Maybe I have been too comfortable. Maybe I am complacent. Maybe I am self-medicating to the point of making myself numb. It’s as if I need to go into a mental rehab just to cleanse myself of this strange and foggy horizon.

Something inside of me used to burn like an uncontrollable fire with desire to create and not stop creating. But recently it is become some sort of paralysis or procrastination by perfection. And it’s not even that I’m having paralysis of perfection, meaning that I am waiting for the perfect moment to produce. I have gotten my life to a point right now where I am able to produce quality creations, whether it be hard to her business. And yet I’m lazy. I’m going to have to admit that I’m not interested.

Maybe I’m getting my period. Maybe I have a strange lunar cycle when it comes to my best intentions and my worst results. It’s as if all I want to do is get up exercise goof off and then get work done. I’m not doing anything for the advancement of my legacy. My book is sitting at the publishers and they recently reached out to me in the ball is in my court. And it has been in my car for about two weeks now. Am I doing anything about it? No. Why? I don’t know. It’s like I’ve lost interest in publishing the book. I haven’t been doing my usual video recordings or audio recordings.. Why? I don’t know. I might not be interested. It has to be something chemically and balanced in my body right now. What could be different?

I think it has to do with the fuel that I’ve been putting into my body. My wife is recently been buying some pretty crappy things. Multi packs of Oreo cookies, raw cookie dough for baking, and prepackaged salads, breads, and even poultry. I’ve been meaning to order a juice package so I can do a five day cleanse. Maybe that would break me from this strange mental fog. I’m more convinced that it has to do with my eating but it does have to do with my toxins. I believe I have succumb to the lesson high-quality food products that I’ve been consuming over the last couple days. I’m going to confess that maybe it is partly because I have no true personal trainer other than myself and no personal chef other than myself. I have access to whatever food I want, and yet I eat the food that is most convenient. Not that I’m going to drive through’s but more that I am not eating healthy. Shit, I had a cuppa noodles for dinner for crying out loud. Why wouldn’t I feel like shit.

I was online earlier trying to order the juice detox cleansing systems. When the truth is I know exactly what it takes to eat right. It’s not rocket scientist stuff when you have been actively learning what is right and wrong when it comes to diet. Then why would I have such a hard time and have such a self-imposed. Ignorance to the obvious eat this not that database. I have all the tools and technologies necessary to remind me and to coach me and to guide me back into the proper state of mind. Hell I think I wrote the book on that. So if there was one thing I could do to snap out of this mindset it would be to create a new app for cobwebs in the brain. Sluggish thoughts and sluggish actions.

What would this app look like? Or the button would probably look like a lightbulb exploding and a flame of fire irrupt thing from it as if a light switch was about to turn on and the energy cannot be contained inside. It would feel as if an athletic dynamo was possessing my body and making every move and action deliberate and intentional as if to have purpose and a specific direction. The body and mind would be highly N-Toon with time and space. It would command the space around it and use time to its fullest potential. It would see into the future knowing that every effort made was with the expectation of nothing less then achieving a state of flow. The rhythm and pulse of this would be like a metronome the size of the Empire State building. And it would sway and bang with A violent rumble of earth shaking repercussions that would not allow my feet to stay still and my body would not sleep. It would be too loud and too amazing  not to feel compelled to move and sway with it’s overwhelming rhythm and it’s perfect timing. I would wake up as if there were perfect waves hitting the shore from my patio just off into the distance. And the water temperature would be a perfect 85° and the sand was soft. And I would have a perfect cup of coffee just before I went out to ride the 3 to 6 foot waves. These waves will be perfect and each and everyone of them would curl just above my head and allow me the opportunity to appreciate the thrill of the day.

I suppose it would look like a perfect day. It would be me controlling my destiny and manipulating the outcome of my legacy simply by bending the spoon of life and my will with my mind. There is no spoon. It exists in the present and I am its master. I would stand on both 2 feet perfectly balanced and connected to the earth.

I guess maybe I am interested. I forgot what it is that I was looking for. I forgot what it is that I wanted. I did not want to make more phone calls, I did not want to knock on more doors. I wanted to achieve greatness and go through my daily tasks with my best foot forward. I would do so well and so effortlessly I would achieve my goals that work would be simply a routine like brushing my teeth are coming my hair. It would be more of something that I would have to do like exercise and diet and not something that I want to do but something that just has to be done. With that said, I can then work as efficiently as I brush my teeth and to get it done so that I can move onto the bigger goal. That would be giving me the comfort inn the freedom to produce the creations that I so badly want to produce. I want to go to bed knowing that I created on this day. That I gave everything I could to contribute to the temple I am building which will one day stand as a large monument of my continuous and relentless dance but I performed with effortless flow and glowing enthusiasm.

Leave a Reply