Maybe this is a Journal

Maybe this is a diary of an insane person. The first time I heard the term High Function Autistism it all made sense to me. I self diagnosed myself with mild to severe HFA. I have been trying to structure this platform to conform to a target market or an avatar of my desire. I have been poking at this as if I am writing for someone else rather that writing for everyone else. I cant help but feel as if this platform is disposable. I am so used to writing in a physiscal journal that to fish my thoughts on a cloud just kills me. I think, what if the North Koreans use a weapon that does exist where they “fry” our electricity and wipe out the history we have all created? This is totally possible with a solar flare too. The Internet is far more delicate than most would think of.

I believe that our next big catastropy will be in the form of an electromagnetic pulse the wipes out our ability to have electric access and send up back to the dark ages. Some dark shit I know but this is something I think about when I decide to put my journal on 1’s and 0’s rather than quill and parchment.

Oddly enough I do have a hard cover journal in my room that I used almost daily that has a pen called the Livescribe and a special paper that reads my writing and pus it in a digital format. Not that is transcribes the text but copies my exact handwriting in real time. It uses and app that I can watch my words magically appear on the screen. I suppose I could look into the next level of this tech to see if I can find one that will take my cursive into fonts. That would be a good place for me to exist.

See? I am able to declare that this is in fact a journal. A place that I can empty my mind and reveal my dreams and nightmares. Speaking of which.

Fuck, I don’t even want to call it into existence.

I have been havin nightmares about January. I am reluctant to write this because by making this word of the after in to the living it may cause a ripple effect. The after being the time that we sleep. I call that a glimpse into what we have after death. I am 100% convinced that the afterlife is right under our noses and pillows. The place we go to when we sleep is the same places we go to in the big and final sleep. this is by far the most compelling evidence into life after death.

We clearly go somewhere else. The beliefs that we have about a god or a spirit will also translate there. So we live our lives in an effort to mold the shapes of our after by living a full life in this body. i believe once we enter the after we are able to remember this life and not feel physical pain but have a sense of sadness.

Our ability to control our emotions and our resistance to physical emotions to depression and sadness and fear will also carry on to the world after. We will be the same person and yet not the same. So if you life this life felling insecure about yourself then you will also be insecure there. that is is why starting today I must not let anything diminish my attempts to not be judged by anyone’s standard by my own.

If I allow the reflections and quanta of other peoples attempts to form thier existence, as brief as it is it will resonate in the echo of the after. Why then should I let someone I may or may not know be part of my forever. It would be the equivalent of letting every stranger throw a rock at me or tattoo me.

As for dreams they are part of the phenomenon of variety. Let’s use the two I recall from last night.

One was I was with my wife and the kids at the Living Desert in Palm Springs. As we were walking I saw a snake skin in the dirt. I thought is was large. Then from the feeling of it being a skin it was alive. I told Nicole and Jani to look out for snakes. As we walked there was another large one, and another. As we rushed to go inside a building there were a few baby rattle snakes lunging at m little girl. One appeared as if it hit the back of her calf. In that instant I was able to realize that this was a nightmare and in the same instant I shook myself awake.

I lay there with a racing heart. I suppose I should have looked at my Apple Watch to check my heart rate. I have been in a nightmare many times and knowing that it is a nightmare only when things got too hard to handle. With a strange ability to shake myself out of it.

Like a video game that is too intense or frustrating I and simply jump up and hit the power button to make it stop.

Allow me to consider then how this wil play out in the after. I believe that if we life this existence with a sense of hope that someone will save us or that this too shall pass o maybe even just be strong enough to suffer until the pain is gone this too will be the after. Because the pain will not be real and the loss of the person will also not be real so will the loss of a love one.

The suffering will be cured as fast as your soul can begin to see that this is the best possible existence and that there is no other.

This make me wonder about the implications of such an existence.

What if the connection we have in this life is limited to mental and elemental? What if the geographical distance between those we love were to disappear because there is not a mile or a wall between us? Does this mean that when we go into the after was will never see them again?

What is it to see them now?

It is the ability to touch and feel with our senses in the flesh. Yet there is this “other” sense that does not exist but is the strongest of all. I feel it in my chest when my kids hug me. Or when I have an orgasm. I feel it when I get into a hot jacuzzi after along day and when I have a great bowel movement.

It is comfort.

In the after we feel their presence but they are not present. We will sense the love that we feel now and we will be able to have experience or perceived experience. If in the after we want to be at the zoo or in front of a waterfall we will just be there in front of the walrus or water. We will basque in the beauty and awe that is the knowledge of the present. that feeling will fill out chest and our hearts.

It is comfort in the knowing that engages the flow of feeling. It is eternal and present. It is being in the moment with those we love by feeling their love. However it is not something that we will receive from another but a feeling we manifest in our own microcosm of reality.

How is that different than what we have now. Others that the ability to touch a fleshy surface and carry the weight of their hands or embrace of their bones wrapped in decomposing elements.

We are but 2 things in this life. Mental and Elemental. And one day, well one time, well soon, we will only be one thing. Mental. With this there is an absence of time and space. Only an existence of non existence.

As I write that works I sense this imaginary yet real shockwave of realization into a discovery similar to that time I became enlightenment of a sort.

Perhaps that same comfort is what draws the drug addict to use and ultimately abuse. It is was attracts the murderer to kill and the mother to nurture. It is the sense of our own purpose. Some want to help and some are more comfortable hurting. In a twisted mind many things are rational. I recall once being under the influence of laughing gas in the dentist chair. there was a moment that I was so comfortable I asked myself a question.

“If the dentist decided to cut off my arm would I care?” Seriously, you get weird thoughts. My answer was,”No.” I was so happy in the place I was in that nothing else mattered. Now in the after we also get to experience this same sense of comfort. it seems as if the life we are living, whether given to us by a god or a fluke of evolution we are able to be a version of ourselves for just a short while. This time is given to us to form a body of work and emotions and feelings that we can keep in the after.

If we live in fear we die in fear and then the after is fear. If we live with hope then we die with hope and the after is hope. If we live with love then we die with love and the the after is with love.

That feeling you get in your chest will be the light of your enteral existence. In the form of quanta the will perpetuate forever.

Maybe with are only one atom that has been traveling the cosmos and through our ability to manifest we were successful in securing a slot in this life as a human. but to suggest we are an atom would suggest that we are. When in fact we are not. this I know to be true.

Just by closing my eyes i had look into that which is the after. This is why the Buddhist close thier eyes when they meditate. this is why closing your eyes is part of the prayer. Why do we close our eyes to sleep and to pray and to meditate or even just to think?

It is for isolation. it is to experience the oneness with the existence of the after. The place where we go to when our bodies cannot take anymore. When our migraine with beyond excruciating. It is a place of comfort.

it is where we go to reflect and to feel that feelings we know best. The ones in the reflection of our eyelids. It becomes a place where even during pain we have the ability to diminish its effects.

Does this mean I want to die? WHy do I have this desire to create? What compels me to type this morning? Rather than turning on Netflix until I am ready to ride or run. I really enjoy easing into the morning. I would like to say I am a morning person but that would suggest that I am perky at 6 a.m.

I am most creative in the morning. It is a time when I am able to move very slowly as to not agitate the transition from the after into the present. It is that moment in the matrix when the plug is in the back of Neo’s neck and he plugs in. But not yet powering on. It is as if i am able to without necessarily jacking into the matrix allow for the remnants of the after to discharge the stored burts of trickled knowledge of the place I try to understand.

This is so strange.

I go throughout my day as a real estate agent and work hard to make money to finance my true passion. Becoming a prophet of sorts. Like some sort of Buddha or Christ figure that has a message for those who seek a deeper sense of purpose in life. I create to forms of content for others to consume. One is a format for the individuals that in my my are the least likely to see the other side of my dilemma. To be a robe wearing rabbi who sells homes?

I often think that if money were no object i would likely be a mess. Without the variety of my wrk life I would be insane with a need to fill a void that would clearly be a search for nirvana. If the need to provide for a family were not there and I was only in charge of provide comfort I would be in a race against time to squeeze experience into this life before it passes. This would lead me to drugs and alcohol in an efforts to sedate and stimulate the feelings of comfort when I am unable to convince others of my mission and to join me.

I would sit around and daydream and write poetry and paint only to become that long haired hermit with dirty jeans that you see wander the streets. Really. Imagine being a billionaire. This generation is seeing more billionaires that’s ever. this is making millions a standard for success and anything less that that is failure. It leaves us with a sense of lack that we try to satisfy by purchasing small trinkets and tech to provide comfort during the time we watch the wealthy on reality tv.

Yes, comfort is in fact the word of the day. Maybe this is why I like doing yoga. It is not comfortable but the pace is steady and it relieves a discomfort in my muscles and joints so that the rest of my day I am not crackling and limping. Sometimes I feel great afterwards and want to take on the world. Other times it is just a task to oil the moving parts.

And just like that my wife walks in the rooms and my kids are awake and my comfort in writing begins to fade. I begin to feel the pressure of the coming daylight erupting.

Inchoate Day 164

Hera, there you lie steaming my heat

Escape to the sky my awaiting retreat

Saint so sanguin in my eyes

Melage of wonder within her eyes

Im bound to a myopic view of one expensive pearl

Leaving me eyeless to the rest of the world

Exigency my moment I see her beside me

Smiles to the cynosure tis now she abides me

Toast to the vixen that punctures my soul

Open the muscle so she can squeeze through the hole

Then I must be the atom that is losing control

Hestia so aloof as I searched down below

Expecting not to meet up here where it is I grow

Virago yet gentile there is more I must know

Idolorous woman to temp me so well

X chromosome my posterity you do compell

Eliquant woman I am chromosome Y

Nearing the moment you help me survive


Can it be so real all within the hour

Hope in her, not fear, within her lies a power

Recall the beginning with a back dive she went in

I knew at that moment I was to play the violin

So where is the fault in this design am I to find out later?

To see her chasing after me without a flaw to evade her

I cannot say that she be we

Not to mention destiny

Apples and peaches I feel so gay

All of this beauty mashed into one

Never before has this tune been sung

No one can say she’s not one in a million

Even half of her half is the sum of quadrillion

Toast to the green surrounding the black

Even the viola tattooed on her back

Perhaps its a dream that past yesterday

Eat the fruit of the tree and I am alive on this day

Repulsive and putrid she must let me go

Even so let her know

Zealous you are a gem aglow

The Day You Went Astray

I am not begging. I asked a question and I had to know.

Like a child waiting for mother’s permission to go

Where did I lose myself? How Did you steal me away?image

I was on my way o bulletproof and lake the day I went astray

Pick up a talent here and a dash of adulthood…the enemy

How am I so aware and so gifted with so little left in me?

Never needed gold liquid to see the ocean but now even that does blind me

How to find me

I look for a areason to breath a season. makes no sense. I don’t repent.

Foreign lands understand what I demand, can you give me a hand?

Look up to see if you enter the bar. What for? Bartender! Close the door.

I wish no more, not now

Breast feeding and nasal spray take me away

Visine and a daydream, bad songs cannot stop what I mean

I gave an inch and the a mile, received the world so I gave a smile

May be that I gave you my last inch and you still have a galaxy to give to me

But my inch was eternit. Where can it be?

So now I inhale and the high has not changed so is it the same?

Did I stop cause the shame? Am I to blame?

Let my drink make my breath stink ad if it helps me think, then thank that drink

I choose to paint with gold. I chose to paint with gold.

Did I mention what has been told?

I may decide to ride with blue. What is it to you? Do you like it?

I did not ask if my art would sell I just ask to to tell me your opinion

Might be the shade of blue was not the hue that humors you but its true

Maybe that your pick would be thick red like a brick.

Then get a canvass and stand by my side. I have nothing to hide

My red splash on my palette. Borrow it. Don’t mix it. Don’t fix it.

The room may spin and the air get thin and I may not win. Is that a sin?

And in no way can I replay this day…no way

And the girl I recall first should than paint me down

I am dead

Earths Obituary

See me.  Am a rock on the edge of the earth

Take me away to the day of my birth

Only I am so little to the rest of the void

Poor me with my toxins I am being destroyed

Though my head is dizzy I keep spinning ’round

Only it is you who can feel

When I rumble with sound

Remembering the beautiful skies

I once tasted

Then you came around

And the flavor is wasted

Under my skin you bury the carcass

Of your slaughtering

Rotting forever is there nothing more bothering?

I alone see my changing face

Losing my hair so hard to replace

No never you mind

I just chalk it to life

Giving everything I have

Ever gracious planet wife



The Five Gurus


I came to a conclusion recently that as an entrepreneur in this day and age there are far too many resources for success. YouTube is littered with people who have a camera and an opinion on how to live your life to its fullest potential. I realized when I was subscribed to over 500 you tube channels and 100 podcasts that I was actually doing harm to myself. Listening to too many people is not like reading too many books. you see in an Internet format like blog or Vlog or video or audio the creator freestyles verbal mind dump into a microphone. If they are good you will resonate with them. If the suck you will still feel compelled to listen but there will be a synical attitude towards thier words as you search for the wisdom. With a book however you know that they have made an effort to gather thier thoughts in a cohesive format and if this was done right the book is a success and gets recommended.

My five gurus are, not in any order these.

  1. Source energy. Call it god, Buddha, Christ or the creator this is that voice inside your head that needs to be guided by various sources until it satisfies your soul.

  2. Knowledge for dealing with the elements as the coalesce with the mental. These rotate from time to time based on my mood but the few that fall in this category would be Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Eckart Tolle, Alan Watts. You see s hierarchy yet?

  3. Business. As a business man I am very careful who I look to  because this space is crowded with scam artists and silver tongued charletons. The ones I find to inspire me to go into the world and fear no man in the face of climbing the ladder of success are many but few get a replay. Those that command my attention are Grant Cardone, Gary Vaynerchuck, Donald Trump (the real estate Donald not the president, so stop judging) Mark Cuban, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

  4. Body. Although I have been an amature physician since I was sixteen when I first bought a copy of Flex magazine I still look for those advisors who can keep me posted on the latest news and methods for staying healthy and inspired to eat better and stay fit. Podcasts like The Fat Burning Man with Abel James, Bullet Proof Radio,  and a YouTuber call  McGalligher and his Kinobody system seems to trigger my interest in getting off my ass. I also scramble around online looking at runners and cyclists like Lance Armstrong and Ryan Hall to inspire me to be great. This would also include artist like Casey Neistat and Vincent Van Gogh to inspire me to creat with this body. I also dabble in with the harmonica, the guitar, the saxophone and the Native American flute so I look to teachers and musicians that resonate with my desire to sing and play. Playfulness during creation is necessary for joyful dropping of my breadcrumbs of legacy when I am gone.

  5. Me. This is not narcissistic but defiantly ego based. I feel as if I have spent enough time learning that I can rely on my own instinct to make judgements that improve my quality of life. My goals are huge and attainable. I have a dream of becoming one of the top 5 spiritual gurus on earth, I want Deepakeepak to call me for answers and Eckhart to drop my name.  I have the intentional of becoming one of the greatest salesman in the the world. I have intentions of becoming the most in demand sales trainer on the circuit. I plan on becoming a legend. I am a rennisiance man and in my opinion amid high functioning autistic with a case of OCD and ADD mixed with genius. this unique combination makes me qualified to be my own guru and encourages me to lead myself by my example.