Stress or Excitement

The Anxiety app What is it about the moment that you begin to feel this way? Just yesterday i was in a court room not as a player but a pawn. I have been called by a bank I work with to state that an ex-homeowner is currently occupying a property that has been foreclosed on. That is all. And yet I get a sudden feeling of fear and panic as if I am on trial for my life. The process of checking in to the court clerk and walking thought the metal detector is unnerving. Having to strip down to all of my non metals and walk through the X-ray machine. I actually asked my self if I am carrying a weapon? I never carry a weapon. My palms begin to get clammy in the silence of the room filled with attorneys. I enjoy watching them on tv and really enjoy their strength and courage during such intense pressure. Then what the hell is the matter with me that I cannot handle being a witness…if I am even that? Why does the pressure of the unknown bother me? Perhaps the answer to my questions lies in question. Let me re-word that. The unknown pressure does bother me. Really? I ask another question, and another. Is my life or the lives of my loved ones at risk of harm? No. Is my livelihood threatened with no option to ever “work in this town again?” No. So I guess there is nothing to fear right? What if I was to drop dead of a heart attack or blow a fuse and stroke out? Totally possible. Then what can I do about that? Nothing. So then what…..nothing. The people I know will live on and I will adapt or die. The fear of death or bodily damage. That is all I fear. Emotional damage is simply a state of mind. Like being drunk. It will pass. Over course of my life I have suffered three episodes of a panic attacks. And countless anxiety attacks. The difference is that in a panic attack you are paralyzed in fear of nothing other than fear itself, a total meltdown of mind. With anxiety it is a mild form of a panic attack and a fear of a full blown “meltdown.” Both are worrisome and both are real symptoms of a false sense of security or a breach of your security. Those around you will not see any signs. It is not like a cold or a bruise. It all happens in the mind. It is all a mindset. My mother and father were with me in my teen years when these emotions where controlling my life. They took me from therapist to therapist looking for a solution. There was never a solution only a fading of the feeling and it was soon forgotten. I remember that he would ask me the questions I just asked about what the real threat was. I was unable to see through the fog of fear and only time lifted the cloud. The only way I can describe this feeling is like taking the wrong medicine. Perhaps the fear of an allergic reaction, or maybe the fear of cancer. The fear of the moment the doctor calls you and says please come in for your test results. Although you insist on getting it over the phone they refuse to speak it. The doctor insists that you come in. You panic. You rush to the doctor in complete fear and almost get into three car accidents. When you arrive to the office it feels like a lifetime. The doctor finally walks in tells you your test results are fine. Suddenly you feel relief followed by anger. I would question why I had to drive all this way and conclude that he simply wanted the insurance to pay for his billable hours and my deductible for his gas money. Disgusted and relieved you walk out completely wiped out both physically and mentally. That is about as close of a description I can give for those who have never felt anxiety or panic. The after effect of these onsets of internal fear can wear you out physically. I feel as if I had a UFC fight in my mind and I lost. I come out of the ring feeling stronger and wiser but now I have revisited the possibility of fear itself. The fear of the fear passes in time. How much time you give to the thought of the memory of the fear will depend on the time it will take for you to forget. If the fall don’t break me the rise will make me. There are two options when it comes to the recovery of the anxiety. You can live in crippling fear and take the drugs to control your mind or turn the fear into a strength naturally. Because the mind is an intangible there is no real way to diagnose the problem and find the cure with the tangible. Drugs and alcohol only work to mask the problem and could potentially lead to bigger problems like addiction or the fear of running out of refills. I have been on these medications and feel that they do help to dull the mind to the point of ignorance. Ignorance is bliss right? Today I awoke early to finish this post and I am less then 3 hours before I have to go to the hospital for my wife’s scheduled c-section and birth of my 4th child. I question the rationality of the same hormones and adrenaline that will inevitably pump through my body as the moment gets closer. I am certain there will not be fear but joyous expectation and exhilaration. I think of the fear my wife has of the large needle for the epidural to numb her for the incision. She is having an operation to “tie her tubes” at the same time. I know nothing of invasive procedures on my body. I suppose I would focus on the good drugs that come after. Oh, and the joy of a new baby.

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