Today I will begin a new life. Just as the echo and legend will live on of the 2017 Super Bowl, I too will come back from a failing position of mediocrity and come back to win the ultimate prize. The respect of my peers and colleagues. The adoration and admiration of those who stand by on the sidelines and cheer me on will raise me up high in their shoulders and shout words of my praise. Those who boos from the bleachers hoping to see me fall will only pound the walls and stomp their feet in the realization that i was undeniably the better man. Yes, today will be a countdown measure in quarters and timeout. The dawn, the morning, the afternoon and the evening, and the moments before I fall asleep.
I will not pity or belittle myself. I will know that every second that I spend on my psychological beratement will be a degradation of my character and a blemish on my legacy. There is not enough time to consider failure as an option for if there are on 100 years in my life plan I have already approached the half way mark. Even though this may seem as if there is plenty of time to achieve my goals and dreams of satisfactions it is far from coming fast. These seconds as I write frantically to expose my weakness are not gone forever but a form of brick and mortar on the foundation of the wall that will ultimately be the time capsule for my memories. That one day one individual or thousands can stand an sit along small wooden tables and discuss the theories that I manifest into existence in the one opportunity who achieve my visions of grandeur.
There was a moment or two in the last few weeks that I found myself in a state of depression. I confess that this was not only foreign but also familiar. Something that what once only an emotion limited to my teenage angst was now rearing is uglieness into my adult mind. I found myself drouwning in the sorrow of the vicious circle that was satisfaction with the pressure of impending failure. I was and still am in a position that is considered blessed and cursed at the same time. I can make with what I have something great or I can become crushed under the weight of the pressures of the debts to be repaid. Debts to society and financial institutions and worse of all the debts of the years of neglect on physical fitness. Even though I have made tremendous efforts to strengthen my vessel I have yet to even come close to the levels of health that would afford me the confidence of living to 100.
To be wealthy in finance and to be poor in health by 60 would be the ultimate cruelty that could occur. That I would be paralyzed or slowed down on my trip around the world or be unable to play ball with my great grand children would be a curse that would only be well deserved.
Things happens for a reason and I make those excuses reasonable.
The dead cannot be excused or forgiven. They have no say in the matter. Yet the richest bank in the world is buried in the ground. The vast fields of shrines dedicated to the dreams and hopes of so many that never took action because of fear or lack of time.
I have been facing my mortality lately along with a fear of lack. Having everything I need I always want two. If I go to the store to purchase an item, depending on the potential of its non existence on day I will buy 2 just in case. I am not sure who I have to blame for this justified and foolish worry for that which may never happen but I do. I suppose it happened many years ago when a software program for managing contacts changed its format and removed features. I can only image Ing that this became the root of my fear of loss. Crazy I know but its true. The software has gone through many revision since the early 90’s but the features and benefits I came to live with on a daily basis was never brought back.
Now I leverage every possible aspect of my life from a place of a fear of loss and hope for gain. A pain or pleasure formula that has me never quite satisfied and consistently tormented with the possibility of success and the probability of failure.
Why probable? Because it is easier to fail then it is to succeed. This is why there are so many more failures in the world. Those who live below poverty not by a lack of effort but by an abundance of not caring and allowing the flow to carry them. I realize there are many who work hard to achieve the minimum standards for food and shelter but that is not the ones I speak of. I am talking about those who avoid punch Ning the clock and look for the moments to work the system to their advantage because they feel entitlement based on discomfort in performing their duties.
Recently I have been really aware of the virus that is spreading in the world of self improvement in the form of motivations leveraging social media to force a false hope to those very same people. The individuals speak of this magical ability to Hustle your way to the top of financial riches by working 10 times harder than the competition and crushing the marketplace with obsession. Although I am one of the types that is gravitated towards these form of speakers I can help to feel as if there is something wrong with me because I am not internet famous or have amassed a large tribe of followers who would click buy now on my latest product. I was being brought into a world of expectation based on someone else’s career or industry.
I have come to discover the truest of expectations are that of what can be done based on what my heart sings for and avoids to hear the screams of. I fear the discomfort of having to ever change the course that I have plotted out of myself. I cannot imagine having it any other way but I can imagine having it a better way.
So today is destined to be a demonstration of that which makes me proud of my efforts and glad to perform the repetitious boredom of my vocation in an effort to achieve the level of confidence and courage necessary to be considered the best of the best.