Fear Is the Fastest Way to Flow

I was jolted out of my bed. I was just about to fall back to sleep. I was lying there in the pitch black of the December Morning. It was somewhere between the conversation of my mind that I felt compelled to wake. No matter how hard I tried I was unable to shake of that last bit of hope that tugs at my sheets in the pre-dawn of the day.

I had just finished writing my first book and was permanently on the path to enlightenment with practical applications. I mean that in the most genuine way. I have to constantly seek out the flow state that the enlightened ones feel or I must artificially make it myself.

But what would I care if I have to sleep? My questions keep coming about all the various methods I learned that have not triggered this feeling of motivated ecstasy.

My head was so well rested in the space age polymer organic pillow. My sheets are seldom dry around my pillow. My brain burns calories as I sleep and sometimes way too many. So much that it secretes from my skull.

So I started playing games that might at best force me into a really cool lucid dream. I knew I was awake but also asleep.

I thought most of all the active engagement of the flow state is where I was to live. A place where time stands still and the mind races. The body has no choice to fight or flight. It overwhelms me and then it fades. That feeling! I just had it. The one where you get possessed to rise for the deep sleep and get up and manifest something great. Capture it!

Then.

I heard a string of a guitar. one loud and powerful G note. Yes. I fucking heard a guitar play in my room. My eyes popped open. It hurt so bad to open them. they were swollen like I wept before bed. But I did not. It was the most beaufiful day of the evers. My family got up, went to Knott’s Berry Farm and the to Mideval Times for dinner and a show. Everyone was safe at home. It is four days to Christmas. The chill of the air was never so crisp.

Suddenly, I was flushed with a very real emotion. Fear. It gripped me in bed raised my hear trate. Imaging raising your pulse by just thinking it. I was afraid for the end of the world but most afraid of the end of mine personally. This is the tihought that I most try to live in when I want to feel time.

Capturing the essence of living in the state of flow must be triggered if I want to flip it on and off. I cannot sit and wait for this. The time stands still and my nasal paggeses began to crakle open. My body was awake andI was there.

My eyes hurt so bad. I knew I had to get up. I walked in a virtago state of mind as if I was beaten by a case of beer. Hit in the hit by 24 cold hard cans stacked into a cardboard box. It was distincly painful.

I was stumbling down the hall and I had just one thin on my mind. Visine. I turned the light on in the coset and looked at my dimmed reflection. I wasunable to focus. my eyes were serioiulsy wobbling in my skull. I actually thought I was going blind. What did I eat last night. Why are my thoughts going so crazy with reason and purpose to go get caffinated and create?

Vertigo. I have only experienced it once. I was at a meeting and when I stood up I felt list I was floating on ice skates. I made it to the car and when I sat it was fine. It was scary as hell  on that ride home. Shit, did I just stroke out? I went home and barely made it up the stairs and told my wife order pizza I need to lay down. I never lay down in the daytime so this was odd. For the next 18 hours I could not stand up without feeling this horrible sensation of falling. It was dizzy with no nausea. It went away. Maybe strokes are corridors in the mind that slam shut and my task it to open as many as I can until it happens. I have not felt it since tat day so many years ago.

Even as I write this now my vision is still blurry but my eyes are white. My wife has to wake up in the morning to but drops into dry eyes for her contacts. I have always had a tendency to have eye drops to wake my eyes up. Really, I use them every day after a shower. Can one be addicted to those? I don’t wear contacts. But in my reflection this morning I was frazzled by the concern for my vision. Was I stroking out?

Fear was what was in me but I was taming its energy and making it my source of inspiration. My stomach cramped so I had to sit on the throne. I wallowed through the pain of a bowel movement of the biblical proportions. You know the stomach wrenching cramps that have you praying for relief? It must have been what birth felt like for my slumbering wife at this dreadful hour in the am.

My mouth was dry.

What was that guitar note? Why did it play so clearly in the air? It was not a dream. I own a guitar but have recently moved it to another part of the house. It was my essence telling my to get up. Do not miss another minute. Use the fight or flight in your unjustified endorphin spike.

I had engaged into an active state of flow by just thinking of the time I had left on this earth. I was fearful and overcome by this grip of terror and I forced it into my will. I stood up and chanted one thing. Coffee.

I got upstairs and here I sit.

I am settled into a normalcy and my body no longers feels the message that was shouting at me just a half an hour later. I was lifted by a power and now the energy of that fear was consumed. I made it through a serioulsy rough panic attack before dawn. My back hurts and the vacation vibe is telling me to pop a Vicodin.

Curse you dreaded whore. You white piece of chalk! How can you call me on that habit so early. This pain is my body telling me to shift. Not to shut down.

I get up for a sip of water and walk into the upstaris bedroom. The closest water source in the house. I sleep with water on my nightstand. My wife grabs me and the warmth of the bed summons. I MUST resist. I cannot miss this dawn.

The sun was not going to come out today. The clouds fill the skies and the rooftops are dripping. I don’t see rain from my window but the sounds of the rain hitting the patio wood from the rain gutters keeps a metronome of awareness of this passing moment.

How can I sustain this feeling? Its that so similar feeling that you can see when Neo Downloads Kung Fu. Its that feeling Bradley cooper gets from the NZT. It’s what Lucy gets in her system from a kick to the stomach. Its an esoteric vibe that covers your skin with warm fuzzies. it makes you the best possible you  in the moment. I am not waiting for my life to begin I am in it.

My life is the only one I am getting and I have it in the moment. If those two remain actively engaged in my mind and I take my body into action I am effective. So from this moment I must be careful what I put into my system. Every meal moving foreword can take me away from this feeling.

I will try to describe this sensation.

My mind forces me to look up. I think of the planet and all of its inhabitants. I imagine the rice fields in a remote destination. I imagine the Eiffel Tower. What was that guitar note? It was the moment when the feeling was made into its presence. The now that I was looking for. I get this warmth best with coffee well brewed and in Shangri La.

That is what I call this perfect loft I decorated Recently I bought this home for the view of the valley and knowing well that it would inspire. Inspire me to make money. Little did I know that the room with a view was to become my creative zone free from the distractions of work. It is perfect and I own it. I own it only in the moment. I have everything I need. Now what would posses me to harness this gift like a superpower.

I think about what makes me want to become so great that i would dedicate a room and a view to a keyboard and some smooth Jazz playing in my Beats by Dre headphones. I am spoiled.

I am blessed by my skill and cursed by my will.

How can I reach the masses? I think about what would Jesus do if he had the internet?

He would be an internet channel on YouTube for us to watch perform miracles. I wonder even if he beat out PewDiePie it would make the world much different. He would have products to sell or maybe not. Not everyone would follow. Even with the whole walking on water and curing illnesses. Well I suppose that over time he would make it so that everyone was healthy and we would laud him as a great doctor. Would he achieve world peace?

I know he stopped a fight on the mountain when his buddy had his ear sliced. And he managed not to get his ass beat for blaspheme a few times. He even started a riot at a market and managed avoiding arrest. But could he convince everyone to live in a utopia of endless milk and honey with no pain or suffering?

There will always be opposition. I cannot see how this could ever end. As long as there is always pain and suffering and want and greed the world could never heal. He would make crops grow and we would praise him as a great farmer.

Maybe he would run promos on the banner promising a iphone for every subscriber or follower. He would buy 3 or four and toss them into a basket that then replicates iphones just like feeding the masses with quenchable thirst.

Si then I must begin to create compelling conversation into text and share these epiphanies and templates for getting into the zone so that you too can live in Euphoriatopia. A permanent state of bliss and awareness of time locked into gear customized by the moments interruption. IT become an energy that knocks you off balance and twists your eyes sockets like a gypsy woman channeling the spirits over her crystal ball. It become part of that reckless abandon to the concerns of the past and wide open future.

Its so easy to get sucked into the vacuum that is better known as the day to day grind and the honey do list. This is why I like writing with a pen and paper still. I fell the connection with the paper much easier than I do with a keyboard.

Then the feeling fades.

The thought of snapping back to reality becomes real and that wonderful drug wore off. What happened? I get the feeling that if we were to live in this bliss for too long it would become familiar therefore settling us back into complacency. We would once again be forced to wonder what it is to feel no bliss. As humans we must be stimulated. Some more than others. I have a high threshold for stimulation. I must feel as if I am actively engaged in a task with purpose or I am not alive.

The body weakens and its arousal is no more.

Soldier

Some of us left family their girlfriends or their wives

Some have left their children who have just begun their lives

With no expression on our faces all of us from different places

We have come here for a reason and some are now regretting

Why we put ourselves through this and what is it we are getting

Minds congested, eyes blood red a cadence rings inside our head

We force a smile , tell many jokes to cover up this mental hoax

Not knowing which is harder to hurry up and wait or scare our mind by wondering if your girl is on a date

Expect to leave here at a certain time the rumors spread to play the mind

There is very little, but a lot to do we try to make it better by holding on to special thoughts and praying for a letter

Gave us boots, sometimes a roof for our head

Gave us clothes, sometimes a warm, cozy bed

Inject us with a needle hydraulic cure all potion

Make me cut off most my hair and move me near the ocean

We tough it out like macho men we do the manly things again

Some have hopes of going home leave for what? ­ to avoid being alone

Why did I join this army, could it be a big mistake?

Did I stop to think ahead and see what it would take?

I guess I joined for discipline and for a life direction

But now I found just why I came at ease pay no attention

I now get paid to march and wait from break of day till it’s dark and late

But I see this as just a test I pass this one I’ll pass the rest

I will not tough this out men because this is not meant for me

I don’t have a plan for living with the U.S.­ Infantry

When I need to ask a question

I do expect a good reply

I have to live my life alone, alone is how I’ll die

You will have to stop the country that causes hostility

You are the group of soldiers the U.S.­ Infantry

Coronach, ­People ­and­ Others

People laughing people crying

Some are healthy and others are dying

People jogging, people smoking

Some are breathing others are choking

Person standing another person sitting

One is helpless, to the one that’s hitting

People shooting and people killing

Some are raping and others are stealing

People are ignorant and people are smart

Some see the end and some never start

People united hugging and kissing

Some are found while some stay missing

People learning and people reading

Some minds grow and some are receding

People laughing and people crying

The rich and strong survive

The weak and poor are dying

People making noise

Children breaking toys

People touching little girls,

Grown ups hurting little boys

Acceptance

I never knew of failure, I’ve always known success

Expected so much more from me and never any less

When my life was going good and everything was right

I had to stop to bow my head and then gave up the fight

So now I wait for a second to chance this time I will not quit

I won’t be called a failure I’d rather stand not sit

Doubt and confusion feeling very blue

Real or just illusion lost on what to do

Fear and mass dilemma everything is fast

Try so hard to be the first and always wind up last

Physical and mental, times are getting rough

All that I am giving is never quite enough

I guess it was a mental block or maybe just a case

Of negative emotion that made me lose the race

The people who I called my friends

They now think it’s funny

I cannot wait for their rainy day

To laugh cause mine is sunny

I know that when my pain is gone and no more is to woe

I’ll stand upon the highest point and shout

           ” I told you so!”

A Fear

How can you smile when the clouds fill the skies?

 How can you see when a tear fills your eyes

A lump in my throat and a chill down my spine

A fear in my heart that I’ll lose what is mine

I’m the main character in life’s unknown play

 I speak to the darkness and then speak nothing of day