Why do I create?

My latest Vlog. Ride to LA. Taking these from SnapChat to video to Vlog is really easy and time saving but I feel as if there are things I could improve on. Video quality and Audio. That’s pretty much everything. But when it comes to creating a vlog the editing process is extremely time consuming. Also, if I use Snapchat I generate way more views. But what is is about? The view or the documentary? If I had to think about it as an art I am consumed by this obsession that I would want it to be seen by many. However, this does not mean that there is a profit from this desire for more eyeballs. I am aware that I could make a much better film with a dedicated camera and audio rig but for what? Fear years I suppose I have been a film maker I just never called myself that. Actually this here was the first time. For years I have considered myself an artist but I have not declared my medium. From Poetry in my teens, to painting in my 20’s and then writing in my 30’s, then film making in my 40’s, I have always been drawn organically to some form of creation. Yet I struggle to label my creations and my talents only to place them in a box in my closet so that I can access them like a pair of shoes. That I could be the suit by day and the jeans by night.

During this trip I came to a realization that the world is much bigger than me. That there are billions of people trying to survive and there are millions of people who want to do more than just survive. they want to be somebody. Then there are the few who discover who it is they are through trial and error blended with self awareness. In these there are those who make a living doing what the love and then there are those who struggle to work hard play hard and create much. I am naive to think that I should be so special that I could stand out above the noise just on my desire and hard work. It will take a tremendous amount of luck and luck is all about timing. Luck is the moment that skill and preparation meet. However it cannot be scheduled or forced. It will just come or it may never come.

I wrote a book a few years ago that answered the question to the meaning of life. It was about creating legacy. This is what I am doing.

If what I am doing is trying to create, then who am I creating for? If it is only for me and my legacy than I should not worry about views or hits or even what others think. If I go back to the beginnings of my artistic tendencies I would say that it began in High school when I began writing. Both in a journal and in hundreds of poems. None of them were ever recited in public or even shared. My journals remain active but unpublished. I found great satisfaction in releasing the creations but form myself. Why then has this carnal desire become something for others to consume? I never wrote for the expectations of others to one day read. At least not while I was alive. It was raw and honest and it was mine.

Even now as I write this I cannot help but to filter the thoughts so as to please the few of you who will get this far into this rant. This blog.

Therein lies my answer. I need to stop calling it a Blog and a Vlog for the purpose of gaining acceptance or popularity. This places my creations into a fish bowl rather than a closet. Steve Allen said to “write for the trash can,” meaning write without reservations about what people might think, just to keep your writing skills in shape. I say create for the closet. Just like my paintings remain only on my walls in the house, My words will be stored in a file called Blog and my video creations can be stored in a file called You Tube Vlog. That way I am not allowing myself to feel the pressure of judgement rather letting my creativity express itself as unique and mine. If you enjoy it, so be it. It is not for you. It is for me. If I create for you then I have to rise to an expectation. If I create for me then it is art. Subjective and original. But mine to share.

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